good mother vs. should mother

On one recent evening, I found myself thinking, I wish I could have homemade pizza for dinner tonight. This was followed by the thought, No! That’s crazy. You had that last night. You can’t feed your family the same thing two nights in a row! Followed by, Yes, you can! You’re an adult who’s in charge of meal planning! You can have pizza every night if you want!

This is typical of the battles that ensue inside my mind when I want to do something I feel I “shouldn’t.” My inner scold is extra loud when my “want” conflicts with my starring role as “Good Mother” in the imaginary Broadway show my life turned into when I became a parent.

It would be called “Mothershould the Musical: How to be the Perfect Mother by Always Doing What Others Think You Should,” and in it, I’d be unsparingly patient, generous, and positive. I'd sacrifice my own needs and wants to perform the saintly version of motherhood our culture deifies. I'd always be creating cherished memories.

When it comes to family dinners, I’ve internalized a lot of specific “rules” I don’t really believe; like we should never eat the same thing two nights in a row, and I must make a home-made dinner each weeknight, and I should be working on expanding my kids’ palates. While it’s important to me that my family eat healthy food, none of these rules are necessary to advance that goal.

For a long time, Halloween felt like an annual reminder of Mothershould. Everywhere I looked, a doting mom—online, on TV, and in real life—was making themed lunchbox treats, handmade costumes, and elaborate decorations. All in public for everyone to see and admire! I felt guilty when I could not muster any enthusiasm to decorate our Brooklyn apartment and that my kids wore cheaply made costumes ordered hastily online.

I have so many internalized beliefs about what it means to be a good mother that isolating what I really believe from what I’ve been conditioned to believe is an ongoing project.

It’s not just me. A friend who is the primary parent of four children and whose husband travels constantly for work doesn’t feel “allowed” to rest during the day when her children are at school. She’s internalized the idea that she should be in constant motion, getting things done, while her kids are out of the house.

In a recent issue of the Evil Witches newsletter, Kathleen Donahoe invited mothers to write in about the domestic chores they were conditioned to believe they “should” do but don’t. There are over 200 gleeful comments on everything from ironing underwear to meal planning and grocery shopping, gift buying, the tooth fairy, allowing kids to sleep in regular clothes, laundry, hair-brushing, and packing school lunches.

Motivated by my ridiculous mental battle over whether I could have pizza two nights in a row, I decided to make a list of the things most important to me as a mother, so I can check in and remind myself of my true priorities whenever I get caught up in the shoulds.

Model healthy habits regarding screens, exercise, nutrition, hydration, sleep, being on time, kindness, boundaries, fulfilling obligations, and staying curious.
Have plenty of fresh, good food in the house.
Carefully listen when my kids talk. Allow them to be who they are and follow their own passions.
During the school year: be available most weeknights and mornings to talk through tricky academic, friendship, and social issues.
Stay on top of medical and mental health issues: get them to the right doctors and ensure they have the support they need.
Surround my kids with good, loving people.
Work on my marriage to provide my children stability and help them learn what goes into a healthy romantic relationship and domestic partnership.