Checking in For Happier Family Travel

Last night, as I unzipped my suitcase and began packing for our trip to St. Louis to spend Thanksgiving with Jim’s family, I realized I’d already forgotten something…

Before every family trip we take – whether it’s for the holidays or our annual summer vacation – Jim and I make a point of “meeting” to discuss various practical and emotional things.

We call this a check-in, and it’s made spending holidays and vacations with extended family so much better that I mentally divide our trips into BC (before check-ins) and AC (after check-ins). The BC trips were often…tense; while AC, everything – from travel hiccups to complicated family dynamics - feels more manageable.

This year marks 20 years since I met Jim and began traveling to St. Louis with him, and, along with check-ins, we’ve stumbled upon several strategies that promote happiness, health, and harmony.

And so, for those of you who are traveling with family this week, or sometime in the coming months, here are 8 things we find helpful:

1. Pre-trip check-ins: a few days before we travel, Jim and I set aside 20 minutes to talk about our practical responsibilities, like who’s packing for whom, who’s handling taxi and rental car bookings, etc., what the schedule of events will be during the trip, and crucially, our feelings.

Over the years, there have been times when one of us has felt stressed or anxious before family gatherings, either because of certain aspects of the trip, or other things going on in our lives. Sharing those feelings before merging with a large group of people (who also bring their own myriad feelings!) has helped us be more understanding and supportive of each other. We also discuss how often we’ll check in with each other while we’re away. Most often, we pick a day in the middle of the trip, but during times when one or both of us has felt particularly fragile, we’ve agreed on daily check-ins. These brief chats essentially involve asking each other: “How are you feeling?” then exchanging notes on anything worrying or bothering us; and voicing any needs.

Now that our children are both teenagers, I do this with them too: in a quiet moment before we travel, I ask how they’re feeling – and if they have any expectations or anxieties about this particular trip.  

2. Review and revise family rules: as a creature of habit who believes kids need firm routines, it took me years to learn that loosening up our family rules on bedtime, screentime, and candy consumption was a necessary ingredient for happier travel.

When our kids were little, an important part of Jim and my pre-trip check-ins was getting on the same page about our family rules. We learned the hard way that two parents with different ideas about how much [fill in the blank] was allowed was a recipe for disaster…

Now that our kids are older, we have a family conversation/negotiation on the way to the airport about screentime and other things, like how many times the kids will be required to dress up “properly,” and our expectations around manners during mealtimes, talking politely (and patiently) to older relatives, and helping clear the table and doing the dishes.

3. You deserve a snack…When my children were small, I always carefully packed snacks for them on travel days, aware that hangry kids meant meltdowns. But until a few years ago, I never packed anything for myself, even though I definitely suffer from hanger issues. Now, I always pack my favorite chocolate and nuts as treats to ease travel delays and other frustrations, as well as my beloved English tea bags to ensure I start each day happily.

4…and a guilt-free break! Family dynamics can be both wonderful and challenging, and whether you’re with your family of origin or your significant other’s family, for most of us (including kids) a break in the action to decompress and regroup is necessary. This is not something to feel guilty about: it’s as essential as staying well-hydrated and wearing comfortable clothes to eat a big meal!

Every family is different, and in ours, sleep is considered sacred - and so, even though I never can fall asleep during the day, I know that if I need downtime, I can announce that I’m taking a nap and absent myself from the group judgment-free…Other strategies: going for a walk, driving around town looking at fancy houses, wandering around a shopping mall, or, another Wilson family classic: running errands.

5. Pack vitamins: sniffles, colds, and tummy upsets have been uninvited (and unwelcome) guests on many of our trips, especially during cold weather. Bringing along vitamin C, zinc, and a probiotic for us each to take every day has largely eliminated these issues.

6. Get ahead of gift-giving: we travel to St. Louis for Thanksgiving and stay home for Christmas, and I’ve often done my Christmas gift-shopping for St. Louis-based family members while we’re there. This way, the recipients have some early presents to put under their Christmas trees, and I skip one of the things I least enjoy about gift-giving: the dreaded mailing and shipping.

7. Cure the shared-bathroom blues: I keep a little spray bottle of this stuff in my travel bag because it, ahem, helps clear the air when we’re sharing one bathroom between two adults and two almost-adults.

8. Plan a yummy post-trip meal: our moods are low when we return from family trips: we’re sad the fun is over, and, at this time of year, dreading the year-end ferocity of work and school. The antidote: knowing we have one more yummy meal to look forward to! For our return this Sunday, I’ve stocked the freezer with dumplings and spring rolls, and we’ll steam some jasmine rice to go with them.