Sounds Like Teen Spirit
As of last week, my kids are both officially teenagers, and the thing that surprises me the most about this is…
I don’t hate it!
Because teens are advertised as, ahem, quite challenging, I spent years dreading this phase and have been delighted to find that there is much to love about this age group. In our house, the middle school years were the most stressful—with the onset of puberty, social FOMO, and more demanding academic expectations—all at the same time.
I find the contradictions of this developmental stage fascinating: teenagers want to exert their independence and prove their superior critical thinking skills but still need regular snuggles. They regularly reveal glimpses of the adults they’re becoming, then revert to their little-kid ways: a nuanced debate over politics might be followed by a plaintive request to “help them” send an email to a teacher or boil an egg.
I love that their sleep schedule is the opposite of mine: when I go to bed early, I can rely on one of them to take the dogs out last thing; and when I get up early, I know I’ll be undisturbed for hours. Related: I do not miss the pre-crack-of-dawn pitter-patter of tiny feet on Christmas morning!
My friend Tina, a mom of two teen boys, “…loves their passion and optimism. They’re experiencing so many things for the first time that it’s fun to watch and relive through them. They get SO excited. And so dramatic :) very few moments are lived in the grey zone. They feel like they can do anything.”
I love having a family group text. Ours is unimaginatively called “Immediate Family” and this is where I am often introduced to their lingo, like mid, and the latest happenings on TikTok, which makes me feel like I’m (slightly) in the know and hip to the vibes…😎
And a compliment from an often cynical, world-weary teen is parenting GOLD. Jim and I hoard and treasure every tiny positive tidbit either of our children mutters, even if we’re not sure exactly what they mean. Recent examples: Teddy (13) told Jim I was a “power mom” and Sadie (17) said our Christmas tree was “fire.”
But the truth is: the wonderful aspects of the teenage years are balanced with some tricky parenting challenges, and so here are some tips for happily handling teens, from me and a few other wise women I know…
Let them know you’re on their side and want the best for them. I grew up in an “adults know best” environment, and it often felt suffocating, as if every grown-up’s mission in life was to enforce strict, nonsensical rules, and dictate how things should be, regardless of my feelings.
To allow for my kids’ growing independence, while recognizing their need for firm boundaries, an approach I’ve found helpful is showing them I respect their thoughts and feelings by treating difficult discussions as two-way conversations and asking for their perspectives before explaining my view. This has been effective for everything from sex and drugs to homework and screen time and lets kids know that while we, as parents, set the rules, we are doing it thoughtfully (while taking their feelings into account), and not reflexively.
Related: preserve your energy by picking your battles. Allowing your kids to get what they want from time to time builds their trust in you. I’ve decided that a teenager’s messy bedroom is not worth fighting over—and as long as there’s no food left lying around—I close the door and focus on other things.
Be firm, strong, and safe, like the edge of a swimming pool. Your teenager will push you away one minute, then cling to you the next. As my friend Becky, the mother of two teens, says, “…expect that your kids will be on an emotional rollercoaster and don’t ride it.”
Becky swears by Dr. Lisa Damour’s teen parenting books and advice; and one of the analogies about these years I’ve returned to repeatedly in difficult moments is from Damour’s book, Untangled:
“Like any good swimmer, they want to be out playing, diving, or splashing around in the water. And, like any good swimmer, they hold on to the edge of the pool to catch their breath after a rough lap or getting dunked too many times.”
As parents, to provide our kids with the strength and reassurance they need, we need to prioritize our own mental, physical, and emotional health.
Be the bad guy for your kids. My kids know that if they get into a sticky situation, they can use me as an “out.” When they were younger, they sometimes wanted to say no to a sleepover or social event but felt uncomfortable offending the host or explaining their feelings - instead, I gave my blessing to them saying they weren’t allowed to attend. As they’ve gotten older, both Sadie and Teddy know that if they get into a sticky situation, they can use me as their excuse (“My mom is super-strict and would kill me if she caught me…”) and can call me anytime, from anywhere, no questions asked.
Don’t talk about teenagers behind their backs (when they are anywhere nearby). I don’t know whether teens have exceptionally good hearing or are just highly attuned to their parents’ voices, but the number one thing my kids get mad at me about is when they overhear me talking about them to someone else - it’s disrespectful and undermines trust.
Related: both of my kids respond well to the right auditory inputs! Years ago, when Sadie was in a stormy mood, I noticed that she cheered up almost instantly if I turned on a particular playlist of throwback tunes; Teddy finds listening to audiobooks during car rides to and from school soothing.
