How To Stop Craving External Validation
Do you ever tell yourself that you’ll be happy, just as soon as XYZ happens, whether it’s moving to a bigger, nicer house, finding the love of your life, having a certain amount of money in the bank, or getting a promotion or new job?
And then the marvelous thing happens, and you feel great about it, but after a while, the feeling wears off and you start thinking, “I’ll be happy just as soon as New XYZ happens?
Me too!
Lately, I’ve been playing this game when it comes to how many people read my weekly newsletter.
At first, I told myself I would be thrilled to reach 50 subscribers – and I was – but after a few days of feeling wonderful, I realized I’d feel even better when I reached 100; then 200. You know the story: while each new reader delivers a dose of happiness and pride, I keep wanting more.
This is nothing new: thinkers have known for thousands of years that attachment to external validation leads to dissatisfaction: The Buddha’s First Noble Truth holds that one of the causes of our suffering is craving, desire, and attachment to worldly things.
And then, while pondering this problem, I read a James Clear quote I couldn’t stop thinking about:
"When you fall in love with the process rather than the product, you don’t have to wait to give yourself permission to be happy. You can be satisfied anytime your system is running."
I love the idea that satisfaction – and happiness – can be achieved every day instead of at some future date, when a goal has been reached, or a milestone passed.
Because, here’s the thing: I love every part of the writing process - from researching, reading, and thinking, to drafting and editing. But once I hit publish and my writing is released into the world, the work I enjoy ends, and I begin doing something that does not bring me joy: judging my success and self-worth based on the number of page views, subscribers, comments, shares, and likes.
Now, while I know that my own attachment to external validation does not make me happy, and the Buddha says it never will, simply telling myself to let go of wanting such things does not work.
I wanted to know: How could I let go of my craving for external validation?
Inspired by the brilliantly simple problem-solving system of “Five Whys” developed by Toyota Motor Company in Japan, I decided to ask myself a series of questions to find out what was driving my yearning for validation.
You can adapt these questions to any craving for achievements and worldly things: whether it’s money, possessions, awards, and accolades.
Here’s how they worked for my specific problem.
Question 1: Why do I never feel satisfied, no matter how many subscribers and readers I have?
It’s because, like most humans, I’m on the “Hedonic Treadmill” – the psychological theory which posits that each new achievement provides a brief happiness boost, followed by a return to the previous level of happiness.
Or, as 19th-century philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer put it, “Wealth is like sea water; the more we drink, the thirstier we become; and the same is true of fame.”
Question 2: Why do I believe that large numbers of people reading my work will make me happy?
This was hard to answer.
The truth is that I believe this will provide “proof” that I am smart, thoughtful – and successful. And once I have that proof, I can allow myself to feel proud of my work.
This answer hit on the part of James Clear’s quote that most appeals to me: the “give yourself permission” line.
I have internalized the idea that I may not consider myself a success or allow myself to be truly satisfied and happy with my work if certain markers are not reached. Things like reaching thousands, maybe even millions of readers; being known as an expert; being offered a lucrative book deal. Each one would be a clear signal that other people approve of, and appreciate my work – and by extension, approve of and appreciate me.
But this is a fool’s errand because if I ever do achieve those things, not only will the Hedonic Treadmill rob me of lasting joy, but another familiar aspect of human nature will likely emerge to temper my happiness: Imposter Syndrome.
The most successful people in the world, from athletes to movie stars and billionaires, suffer from it, including Tom Hanks, who said: “No matter what we've done, there comes a point where you think, How did I get here? When are they going to discover that I am, in fact, a fraud and take everything away from me?”
On to the final question.
Question 3: What is the Specific Feeling I am Chasing?
Well, happiness, of course! But it’s more than that: I believe that if I achieve the external markers of success as a writer, I will feel proud, accomplished, and appreciated.
A ha!
Armed with the knowledge that what I’m truly seeking are feelings of pride and accomplishment, I can look for ways to maximize those feelings now, instead of waiting until some future milestone to feel happy.
This brings me back to the last part of the James Clear quote: “You can be satisfied anytime your system is running.”
Improving my writing and building a body of work happens to be the system I am running. Every time I write and publish, I am adding to this body of work, and creating opportunities to feel proud and accomplished – whether my audience grows or not.
My Conclusion
While it may be impossible to entirely eliminate the very human craving for worldly success, it is possible to figure out what’s at the root of our desires.
Identifying the feelings we’re seeking from external achievements, money, possessions, and recognition is a powerful step toward orienting our lives around the work and habits that bring lasting, attainable, everyday happiness.
