7 proven strategies, plus the eye-opening number of hours it takes!

“I just realized I’m going to have to make friends all over again when I start high school next year,” Teddy, 13, said grimly as I drove him to school. My heart squeezed as I remembered those awkward first-day-at-school feelings.

But as we speculated about whether it would be easier if some of his current friends end up at the same school, I didn’t tell Teddy what I was really thinking (and what he’ll eventually learn): making friends as a kid is infinitely easier than it is as an adult.

When I’m feeling lonely, I sometimes fantasize about being back at school, surrounded by people my own age, doing things on the same schedule, with mutually agreed upon enemies, like the homework-heavy math teacher, insanely strict swim coach, or skirt-length-obsessed nun.

These days, especially because I don’t work in an office, making and keeping friends is much harder. It takes time and involves doing things that make me uncomfortable, like courting rejection. Ugh!

But friendships are not just nice to have. The research is clear: while strong relationships with family members are important, our social connections are equally powerful in shaping our health and happiness. This 2019 study found that the strength of a person’s social circle was a better predictor of stress, happiness, and well-being levels than physical activity, heart rate, and sleep.

Making and keeping friends is so crucial that 61% of American adults say having close friends is an extremely important component of a fulfilling life. Notable: only 24% said “having a lot of money” is important for a fulfilling life.

Months ago, I asked if there were any topics you’d like me to write about, and one of you said: “Making new adult friends/couple friends after moving (we’re soon to be empty nesters and moving to a new state)!!!”

I’ve hesitated to give advice because I wish I was better at making friends and have lingering insecurities, left over from my childhood, about my own likability. However, I have lived in three different countries (Australia, England, and the United States) and maintained close friendships for decades.

In addition, the pandemic caused a friendship reckoning for me, becoming both motivator and disruptor: because we moved upstate full-time in 2020, I needed to make new friends, plus figure out how to stay close to beloved friends I would no longer live near. When I began writing this post, I was surprised to find how much I’ve learned about friendship, especially during the past four years.

Here are some ways to find new friends as an adult:

Make it a priority and take it seriously. Friendship is a key to lifelong happiness. When I’m in making friends mode, I write lists of “to-do’s” just as I would for any other important project. I get specific about what I’m looking for, how I will do it, and what my (ideal) timeline is. I feel happiest when I have two to three close friends who live nearby and around 10-15 acquaintances whom I see every week or so. I define “close friends” as people I can call anytime about absolutely anything and who I feel comfortable inviting to my house—or dropping by theirs—without notice.
Acquaintances are people I enjoy chatting with and might want to know better, and in my experience, they are the “close friends funnel.” When we moved four years ago, finding close friends nearby was my priority. I had some acquaintances in the area, so step one on my friendship project was to make a list of people I knew who might have the potential to become better friends.
Know who you’re looking for. Just after I had my first child, when I was in a phase of meeting and making friends with other new parents and figuring out who had “close friend potential,” I realized what drew me to my best friends: I have a deep respect and admiration for each one of them. Whether it’s grace, patience, kindness, an infectious sense of fun, or a unique way of solving problems, my close friends are good people I love being around. They often have talents I don’t, possess qualities I admire, and know things that I want to learn from them.
Join things, but don’t overcommit. It’s standard friendship advice because it works: the best way to make friends as an adult is to join a group, committee, club, or class that meets regularly. Local communities have many of these, from garden clubs to church outreach committees, volunteer roles at libraries, and sports teams or classes. If you have preschool or school-aged children, there is no shortage of activities to volunteer for! Pick something you’re interested in and sign up. But here’s where to be strategic: don’t sign up for too much…
When prospecting for new friends, you must cast a wide net, but not every group will yield like-minded people who will meet your requirements. I’ve learned through hard experience that it’s best to check out groups for a session or two and move on if they’re not quite right. Make no promises about doing it regularly until you know you’ve found your people!
Be patient. “Instant” close friendships are rare and precious. Friendship-building can be a frustratingly slow process and requires care and attention. A 2018 study found that it takes around 50 hours spent together to move from acquaintance to casual friend and over 200 hours before someone becomes a close friend. Put another way: if you meet up with a new acquaintance monthly and spend three hours together each time, reaching the comfort of casual friend status can take a year and a half. Whenever I’ve moved to a new place, it’s typically taken 12 months to form a solid group of acquaintances with close friend potential and two years to make at least one close friend.
Use a tried-and-true parenting tip! Parents learn that it’s easiest to talk to kids while in the car or during other activities when both parties are looking straight ahead. The combination of forward motion and lack of intense eye contact makes conversation infinitely easier, and I’ve found this strategy also applies to getting to know new people. With acquaintances I’d like to get to know better, I suggest going for a walk instead of getting coffee or lunch, or something engaging like a museum visit, where there are plenty of things to discuss if the conversation wanes. Another way to employ this strategy is to choose a counter seat when meeting someone for drinks or coffee.
Be open-minded. Some of the friends I enjoy most are people I initially thought were not for me—based on an awkward first conversation or something as superficial as a “funny” look I interpreted as negative. One of my close friendships blossomed on a trip to Costco to buy supplies for a preschool fundraiser. We spent a ton of time side-by-side, riding in a car to and from the store and pushing a shopping cart together. Years later, my friend told me that before our Costco run, she was nervous about spending time with me—that she was intimidated because I had an older child and appeared to already be part of a tight-knit group of friends. The funny thing was, I felt the same way about her: I assumed she had plenty of friends because of her confident manner! Now, I remind myself when I’m spending time with people I don’t know well, that if I feel vulnerable, shy, or uncomfortable, there’s a good chance they feel the same way.
Keep at it. Making friends as an adult is hard but worthwhile work, and the alternative—loneliness—can be deadly. Do something to advance your friendship project every week, and don’t give up. When you’re busy, small steps may include researching groups to join, sending an acquaintance an article you think they’ll find interesting, and making friendly eye contact with someone who looks promising at the school pick-up line or work cafeteria. It all adds up!