7 things I've learned (number 3 might be controversial!)

A few weeks ago, I was at lunch with three women I’ve known for years when something unexpected happened.

Instead of polite chit-chat, within seconds of taking our first bites, we were immersed in an intensely honest discussion about the challenges in our marriages, how we’re coping (couples therapy, mostly), how we’ve prioritized and managed work, domestic responsibilities, and parenting, and our hopes for the future.

This was surprising because while we’d spent countless hours together at social events, this was the first conversation that ran so deep. Our relationships weren’t superficial, but they were never this close. Now, suddenly, during the course of one meal, they were.

As the four of us took turns sharing deeply personal truths and asking searching questions, I repeatedly felt the urge to pinch myself. “Oh my god!” I kept thinking, “It’s not just me! We’re all feeling similar things!” Followed by a full-body sigh of relief and the thought, “I can be completely open with these women! I don’t have to pretend my life is perfect!”

Driving home and in the days afterward, I could not stop thinking about how much closer I now felt to each of those women.

It reinforced a lesson I’ve learned in several ways over the past year: being vulnerable is one of the keys to deepening friendships.

I learned it this summer when I traveled to Australia to visit friends. Past trips to my hometown have been tricky for me, stirring up disturbing childhood memories. I was taking this trip alone, and as it got closer, I fretted about becoming depressed while there.

I felt nervous and slightly ashamed to tell anyone about my anxiety (“wouldn’t a “proper grown up” be able to deal with this?” went the voice in my head), but the week before my departure, I took a deep breath, opened WhatsApp, and sent a message to several friends, telling them that my goal for the trip was to make new memories, not revisit the past. I said I might need their emotional support if I got upset while there. My palms were sweaty as I hit Send, but I immediately felt lighter, and everyone sent kind replies. But the nicest part was during my trip, when those friends gently checked in with me every now and then to see how I was doing, making me feel deeply known and cared for.

Asking for help doesn’t come naturally to me because I mostly want to avoid talking about the feelings I’ve judged “bad,” like envy, failure, and insecurity, but what I keep learning is that if I don’t honestly share my real feelings with friends, those relationships will remain stagnant and superficial, and I’ll feel isolated and unsupported.

Along with being vulnerable, here are six other ways I’ve learned to deepen friendships:

Regularly scheduled activities. Moving a friend from “acquaintance” to “close” can take a long time, but the hassle of scheduling can often prevent regular get-togethers. The answer is to plan recurring events, ideally weekly, with the people you want to get to know better. My favorite get-togethers involve group activities, especially when we’re learning new skills together, like a sport or card game. Other favorites are hiking, game nights, potluck dinners, and book clubs.
Host something together (or inaugurate a new group). Several of my close friendships were forged when two or more of us banded together to throw a party or start a regular group. When my kids were little, a weekly parenting class was a wonderful way to get to know other parents. My husband, Jim, and I became closer with a group of couples when we launched a “Saturday Night Tennis” group that met for a fun round-robin and dinner; and I’ve bonded with several friends while planning parties over the years! Which brings me to…
Theme parties! When a group doesn’t know each other well, a theme or activity helps to relieve awkwardness. Fun ideas that have worked for me include a wig party (everyone wears a silly one); fun but not too serious sports events, like cornhole tournaments (trophies mandatory!); holiday ugly sweater parties; cheese or wine tastings; and my personal favorite (yes, it’s controversial), a singalong!

4. Sleepovers. When I went to Australia this summer and wanted to properly catch up with old friends, I booked a house for a week with enough beds for a group and invited everyone to stay over. We took long walks, collaborated on meals, took naps, and enjoyed leisurely games of Bananagrams and Cards Against Humanity. Getting a group of women or couples together in one place for a few days is one of my favorite ways to reconnect with old friends and deepen new ones.

5. Group chats. Maybe it’s leftover social anxiety from high school, but I always feel special when I’m included in a named group text, especially with new friends! It’s like a tiny bonding experience each time a message pops up, reminding each participant of something we share. The year the Omicron variant canceled everything, a friend named a group “Covid Christmas.” My current favorite is “The A-List,” inspired by an inside joke.

6. Give thoughtful, everyday gifts. The gifts I love most are things I use or look at every day, like the handmade mugs my friend, a talented potter, made. Each time I sip a cup of tea from one of them, I think of her and smile. My Australian godmother gave me a set of koala-shaped bag clips that are in constant use in our kitchen and are a regular reminder of one of my longest, most precious relationships. Giving people inexpensive, useful things is a lovely way to show affection and stay in their thoughts.