What To Expect When Starting a Family

Relationships

Jun 9

Last fall, my husband, Jim, and I, engaged in a project we now fondly call The Redistricting.

It was a comprehensive stock-taking and reallocation of our household and family responsibilities to ensure that we were sharing the physical, mental, and emotional load of taking care of a house, two kids, two dogs, and everything that comes along with those things equitably between the two of us. This had become necessary because following the upheaval of the pandemic, our household was not humming along happily.

The Redistricting was a lot of work! It took many hours and several conversations (some tearful and tense) and was greatly helped along by the structure provided in the book, Fair Play, which defines 100 categories of household and family-related chores and responsibilities.

We were both shocked, once we had written down and categorized it all, at the sheer amount of work it takes - from taking out the garbage to paying the mortgage - to keep our home and family running.

Even more shocking?

The fact that, in 18 years of marriage, we had never had that conversation before.

This got me thinking: back when we started our family and I devoured every book I could get my hands on about how to take care of a baby, why had there not been a book about this type of family planning?

No one told us, as a newly pregnant couple, that in starting a family, my husband and I were essentially the co-founders of a small business: one with the loftiest of goals (creating and raising healthy, productive, human beings!) and exploding expenses; which would operate on a 24-7 basis, and require expertise in education, medicine, finance, property management, garden and lawn care, time management, hygiene, parenting, pet care, and meal preparation, among other things.

If we had thought of running our family more as a business enterprise and less as a romantic endeavor, we would have created a business plan with a vision statement, goals, targets, and budgets, to make sure we could track our progress and ensure our success. We would have analyzed the breadth of responsibilities and tasks involved in this enterprise and quickly recognized it as more work than just two people could handle. Naturally, we would then have created job descriptions for us and the employees we would soon need to hire.

But we didn’t do any of that.

After our first child was born, we haphazardly assigned tasks between us – always reactively – and did not plan for, or understand, how those demands would change as we had more children, and they grew. A year or so into parenthood, noting our diminished bank accounts, we finally created a budget to track our expenses.

After The Redistricting, I couldn’t stop thinking about all the things I wished I’d known when starting a family…and that all those books I read about sleep training, toddler tantrums, and teen emotions were helpful in only one, very limited, time-specific, aspect of family life.

And so, as someone who is devoted to the idea that making a list is the first step toward solving most problems, I began to compile all the things I wish I’d known about raising children and running a household – and staying happily married while doing so – that I wish I’d known back at the beginning.

As I furiously thumb-typed into my phone, I realized I was writing this list for my kids. I want them to embark on the great adventure of parenthood well-prepared for its demands and more able to enjoy its rewards.

First there were two; then three; then four humans and two dogs!

So, what’s on this list?

I’m calling it Practical Family Planning and the list is growing rapidly and randomly! Below is a sampling.

And I’d love to know: what would you add to this list? What hard-earned wisdom will you tell your kids about starting and raising a family?

Practical Family Planning…

Before your first child is born, have a conversation (or series of them) about how you will divide home, finance, and childcare responsibilities between you. You and your partner are about to be the co-managers of a very important small business operation! You should revisit this topic at least once a year to ensure you are both comfortable and capable of getting it all done.
Similarly, before your first child is born, begin having regular conversations about how you want to raise your children: ask each other what you believe when it comes to private vs. public education; religion; manners; extended family involvement; sleeping arrangements, and more. Not all of this will be relevant at the very beginning, but time flies, and that newborn will soon be driving…
Consider living within driving distance of family members if you would like their help and support with childcare.
Many people, including those who love you, will tell you what kind of parent, spouse, or partner you should be. If their advice feels wrong to you, don’t take it. Get clear about and follow your own feelings when it comes to making choices about what’s most important to you and your family.
Once they’re walking, babies and restaurants don’t mix! The babies don’t appreciate the food and they don’t want to sit still: especially at dinner time when they’re tired and cranky. This will only last a few years! It’s OK to stop going to restaurants entirely or leave the kids at home for those wriggly years.
It is much easier to move house when children are very little – before they start school and form friendships.
For this reason, it’s a good idea to know whether you’re planning on private or public elementary school as soon as you get pregnant with your first child so that you can assess the schools in your area and determine if you want to move.
Another thing on real estate: buy the biggest house you can as early as you can so that you can minimize moves. I recommend a backyard!
It can be easier to raise babies and children in places with warmer weather. Wrestling babies and toddlers in and out of coats, gloves, and hats is hard work. Constant winter colds and sniffles are stressful. Being cooped up inside during cold weather is tough on families.
You will likely need couples counseling at least once during your marriage. If you suspect you need it, don’t hesitate. It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign that you’re invested in the success of your marriage and family.
Raising kids will be the most expensive endeavor of your life. Numbers vary, but some estimates say that in middle-class American families, each child costs more than $300,000 to raise. You will incur the most costs during the 18+ years you have children living under your roof. Consider the cost of living in your current location and how sustainable this will be over time, for the type of lifestyle you want.
When you think about spacing your children, don’t just focus on how close they’ll be together as babies and little kids; know that you’ll be raising each child for 18+ years, so bear in mind how long you want to be “parenting” and how old you would like to be when your youngest child leaves home.
Once your first child is born, expect your relationship with your partner to change as you assume your new roles and responsibilities. Similarly, expect that most of your other relationships will change – with your friends, colleagues, and family members. It will likely take some work to rebalance those relationships.
Do not assume that once your kids are school-aged, you will no longer need to worry about childcare. School gets out at 2:30 or 3 pm in most places, and someone needs to pick those kids up!